Tips for Conflict Resolution in Relationships: Using Emotional Intelligence & Islamic Teachings
Profiles on Hinge will often say that they are looking for someone with “emotional intelligence,” but what does this word even mean? And why do the people who write that sometimes seem like the least emotionally intelligent people you’ve ever met?
Emotional intelligence isn’t a luxury in a relationship - it’s a necessity. In a marriage, it’s the difference between two people who get stuck in the same argument for years and two people who build safety, trust, and growth together. These are the tools I’ve seen make the biggest difference for couples trying to understand each other more deeply and resolve conflict in a healthier way:
1. Stop brushing things under the rug
Unspoken hurt doesn’t disappear - it hardens into resentment. One partner may feel like an issue is resolved because the conversation ended, but if even one person still feels unsettled, then it’s not resolved. Both partners need permission and space to bring up anything lingering beneath the surface. Healthy marriages create a culture in which revisiting unresolved moments is not a threat, but an act of care.
2. Be deeply introspective about your triggers
If something upsets you, ask yourself why, and don’t stop asking until you hit the core. Emotional triggers are rarely about the surface-level moment. For example, if he looked at his phone while you were talking and it made you upset, what did that represent to you? Perhaps it felt like you didn’t matter, weren’t valued, or weren’t being heard. These are core unmet needs many of us carry: not being enough, not mattering, not being seen.
Doing this inner work helps you communicate from clarity instead of reactivity.
3. Check your ego constantly
Conflict can turn into a battle without either person realizing it. Ask yourself, Am I trying to connect, or am I trying to win?
The ego wants victory. The heart wants understanding.
A marriage built on emotional intelligence requires choosing the latter, again and again. This means putting aside your ego, which would first require to actually be aware of when it’s at play.
4. Remember: it’s not you versus them
Healthy conflict views the issue as the problem—not the person. You are on the same team. It’s both of you versus whatever challenge, misunderstanding, insecurity, or wound is showing up. This mindset alone transforms the tone of a conversation and the trajectory of a marriage.
5. Understand the Islamic framework of anger
For my Muslim readers, and even for those who are not Muslim but may find this interesting or beneficial:
Islam makes an important distinction between two types of anger:
Anger due to the “nafs” (ego)
Anger towards injustice (principled anger)
When you feel anger rise, pause and explore which of these it is. If the anger is coming from the nafs/ego (hurt pride, wanting to be right, feeling disrespected) that’s when compassion, humility, and self-restraint are most needed. This internal jihad is part of building a marriage rooted in mercy.
(By the way, jihad means struggle. Not whatever some Islamophobic media channel said it meant).
Emotional intelligence is less about knowing psychological terminology and more about building a home where both partners feel safe enough to be honest, vulnerable, and imperfect, not only to each other but to themselves. These tools aren’t meant to eliminate conflict; they’re meant to help you move through it in a way that protects your bond rather than eroding it.
